Creating Positive Energy

Many years ago when I was studying physics, I learned that energy is never lost in the universe. It is possible to change energy from one form to another but not possible to create or destroy it. It was a bit difficult for me to understand. It seemed to me that machines as well as people could run out of energy. The reality is that they just run out of fuel until they are resupplied. If we can't create energy, we can at least change it from positive to negative energy or from negative to positive energy. Through our efforts we can make our immediate emotional environment toxic for those who come near us or energizing for them instead. What do you want to share with others?

Love the Ones You're With

One of my life partner's favorite sayings is, "If you can't be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with." Not all of us can be with the ones we love at Christmas for various reasons. Rather than just keeping to ourselves and staying lonely under these circumstances, we can share some of ourselves with those around us. There are always many small ways we can add to the joy or at least lessen the burden of those we meet on a daily basis. Sometimes a kind word or a very minor favor reminds that person that he or she is worthy of at least some slight consideration even on the part of a stranger. It costs us very little, enhances someone else's life and also makes us feel better. Merry Christmas.

Learning from Giving

I talked with someone recently who decided to do something different this Christmas. She looked for people who seemed to be struggling with what they could afford to buy their children as gifts. She had with her a supply of twenty dollar bills which she offered to people she thought could one. The idea seemed simple enough. Putting it into practice was not so easy. You take the risk of offending someone by offering them money, suggesting that they could use it. Even people of limited means are sensitive to how people perceive them. In order not to make them feel belittled, she had to convince them that it was more for her than for them. I have also read about how someone bought a stranger lunch for no particular reason. Most of us donate money to charities or to a church. Such giving is usually anonymous and we never get to meet the one we are helping. The experience is quite different up close and personal.

What Christmas present do we give to ourselves?

This is the time of year when we tend to be preoccupied with what to give as presents to people we care for. What would they like? What would show how we feel about them? What would make them feel good? I wonder how many of us stop to think what kind of gift we could give ourselves. I know I never did it until just now. There are a few things we could consider: permission to set time aside to enjoy ourselves, a small treat we have constantly put off, getting rid of the things or obligations which keep us from getting on with what is important to us. If you think about it, you should be able to make a good list for yourself. Then choose a few of the things you would like most. Best of all it doesn't cost anything.

What Do We Expect of Ourselves?

In yesterday's post, I wrote about what others expect of us and how that tends to shape our actions. Probably at least as important are the expectations we have of ourselves. From what we have been told by our parents, what we have heard from others about ourselves and what we have learned from experience, we have ideas about what our capabilities are. We think we know what we can do and what we can't. We could be right or wrong. We might reach beyond our capabilities or be trapped by what we see as out limitations. Our expectations are only ideas we have about ourselves. We don't know our capabilities until we take the risk and stretch ourselves a little. Even then, we might have the capacity to learn skills we don't have at present. We sell ourselves short if we stop at the limits we think we have. Taking a chance is often risky but is the only way we can find out out true abilities.

The Stigma of Ordinary People

When I was first studying psychology, I was introduced to a book called Stigma by Erving Goffman. In the book, Goffman wrote about how people who were different had a stigma or sign of their being different. People came to expect them to act in accord with their perception of how they should act in their capacity as a "different" person. This label applies to race, sexual orientation, physical and mental disabilities and other forms of differentness. It occurred to me recently that all of us have stigmas of our own. Through our experience with others they form an expectation of how we should react and they are put off when we don't act the way they expect us to. This makes it hard to step out of our shells and to be creative rather than predictable. It would be good for us to remember that when we active in a different way, people don't necessarily think we are crazy. It's just that we are not doing what they expect.

Renewing Old Friendships

I went to a Christmas party last night attended by former colleagues. Even though I have not worked with them for the past two years, they still invite my life partner and me to their annual party. After leaving other jobs, I have tended to move on and lose touch with those I worked with on a daily basis. Even though I do not see people from this practice frequently, I do keep in touch from time to time. Although I suppose it would become overwhelming to try keeping in touch with everyone with whom I have worked over the years, it is nice to keep up contacts and maintain some continuity with who and where I have been in the past. It gives me some guideposts to judge my progress and direction as my life develops.

Autonomy versus Solidarity

I am still reading Barack Obama's book. I ran across his discussion of the conflict in our thinking between autonomy and solidarity. We all want individual freedom: the ability to make and follow through wih our decisions without anyone keeping us from doing so. We also have a need for solidarity: a feeling of belongingness which makes us feel supported by others. As with so many other values, these two often conflict. Balancing them and finding a way to have a measure of both is one of our life challenges. As with other areas of our lives, nothing is ever easy.

Dogma versus Common Sense

Batrack Obama in his book, The Audacity of Hope, talks about the tension between dogma and common sense. In some ways it is easier to act in response to dogma, what we are told to believe by an authority we have come to respect, or whose respect we have inherited from our parents. It doesn't involve much thinking on our part and has usually stood the test of time. However, times change and the wisdom of dogma might not still be relevant. Common sense takes some work on our part. We need to trust our perceptions, testing them to be sure they are valid. Commonsense conclusions can fly in the face of dearly held dogmas, setting up a conflict within us. It is not comfortable, but we are more likely to act courageously if we stop to examine our beliefs to see how sensible they are.

Living Comfortably on a Powder Keg

We have come to a point in our American culture where we cling to narrowly defined extreme positions, seeing those who hold opposite opinions as the enemy. Where will that get us? Nowhere. If unchecked, our acrimony might be the destruction of our civilization. If we continue to fight with each other, we will waste our energy fighting while the world passes us by as irrelevant. It is time we start listening to each other even if what we hear makes us uncomfortable. We can gently share our discomfort with each other, inviting understanding rather than attacking our fellow citizens as enemies. This would be a radical change for our society, but one which is well worth attempting and may also be our salvation as a country.

What You Hear When You Close Your Mouth

Most of us want to be heard. What we have to say is important, at least to us. When we are looking for the chance to get in our two cents, we are often focusing on finding the opportunity and hear little of what others have to say. We want to have others hear us and accept what we have to say. I learned quite a while ago that it is possible to be considered a great conversationalist without saying anything of substance. All we have to do is listen politely to what others say and ask questions about what they are saying to let them know we are listening. Sometimes we find that others already agree with us and we don't need to spend any time convincing them of our point of view. Sometimes others are able to say more clearly what we are trying to express. Even if we disagree, knowing someone else's position gives us a bridge to communicate with them and state what we have to say in a way they can understand.

Treeless in Seattle

I read this morning about how the Seattle airport had cleared its decks of Christmas trees in response to a Rabbi being upset that there were no Jewish holiday symbols on display. It reminded me of Aesop's fable about the father, son and donkey. I also wondered what it would be like if no public displays of belief or tradition were allowed. No parades of statues through the streets of North Boston on Friday nights in the summer. No Ganandigan festival. No Reconquista celebration in Vigo, Spain. It would be a barren world with nothing to celebrate. Rather than making room for everyone to display their traditions, we would have dull, secular lives unsullied by anyone's cherished beliefs. There must be a better way. Would it not be better to know about each others' traditions rather than confining them where they are not visible?

Cooperation vs. Appeasement

I have been reading lately about the difference of opinion about whether to seek cooperation with countries such as Iran and Syria or to isolate ourselves from them as a way to avoid appeasing them. When I was pondering this, the final scene from the movie Dr. Strangelove came to my mind: a cowboy character riding an atomic bomb to his doom and to that of all who lay below. I thought that we can ride our arrogance to destruction or swallow our pride and talk with those who make us uncomfortable and even afraid. It is a humbling choice but one worth pondering.

Wars and Rumors of Wars

Today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. I was not around then but did arrive on the scence in the middle of World War II. I came close to being drafted for the Vietnam War on several occasions but did not see it as having the same noble purpose as the war at the time of my birth. It seems to me that we are teetering on the verge of another world war focused in the middle east although no one I know has referred to it that way. World War I was seen at the time as the last great war, but it does not seem we have learned too many lessons from it other than how to fight more efficiently. We still do not seem to have learned to listen to each other very well. Sometimes I wonder what it will take for us to make this a priority in our world.

The Death of a Friend

The Christmas season is usually a happy and a peaceful one for me. This year a friend died, disturbing my tranquility. He had been vibrant for years and always a joy to visit although I didn't see him that often. He showed us all his secret places in New England and added great joy and interest to our trips. He had been in poor health for a number of years and died as a result of complications of surgery to reset his hip. A duel is taking place within me between the happy memories and the sadness of his death. Christmas is set in the middle of winter when the earth is still and seemingly lifeless (at least where I live.) Still I know that the earth will spring to life in a few months. I need to remind myself that Michael's memory and spirit will also return when I need to think about him as I proceed through life's daily challenges.

Learning As You Go Along

I was thinking recently how much effort it took as a child to learn certain things like walking or tying shoes although I did not think about the effort then any more than anyone else did. Once I thought I was close to learning everything I needed to know. Now I realize that life is a process of endless learning. There are always minor things to learn such as how to print out part of an e-mail in the new version of Outlook. As I was growing up, there was no such thing as Microsoft Outlook. Many of the things I learn these days are not of great importance but do make life (and work) a little easier. Maybe the point is just to give my mind something to do to keep it sharp.

Accentuate the Positive

There is an old Johnny Mercer song which starts, "Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative." There are plenty of positive and negative things in our lives each day. We have a choice of which to dwell on. Dwelling on the positive tends to make our day go better. Dwelling on the negative has the opposite result. We tend to get what we emphasize and focus on. I have wondered why this is so but so far have not figured it out. I guess it is enough to accept it as fact. It seems to work in my life. Maybe when we look for the positive, we are more likely to find it. When we look for the negative, there it is waiting for us. We can choose whatever we want and at the end of the day have the results of our choices to comfort or bother us.

White Wall Tires

This morning I was enjoying what will probably be the last of my breakfasts on the porch for a while unless I switch to frozen eggs. I was enjoying my French toast and coffee when a fancy car passed sporting white wall tires. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen them on anything other than an antique car. I was reminded of Alexander Pope's adage, "Be not the first by whom the new are tried, nor yet the last to lay the old aside." I thought of old customs which were once the rage but now passe. It is amazing to me the things we come to think we must have when in fact they are just fads which will eventually fade. Sometimes it is hard to think past what is in vogue and remember what is really important.

How To Be Your Own Best Critic

It seems like we would be in a good position to be our own critics. After all, we are the only ones inside our skins on a twenty-four hour basis. Yet we are often blind to our rough spots and don't see what we need to fix or change. Maybe we don't want to see it. Some people act like porcupines and don't let anyone else close enough to share their opinions, especially of us. However there is a way we can learn to view ourselves critically. If we listen to what we criticize about others, and think about what we are saying, we might well find that we criticize in others the very things we would do well to change in ourselves. It's something to ponder.

Counting on Feedback

How much time do we waste fretting about why people act in ways which inconvenience us? Don't they know what we want them to do? How could they be so callous? People don't always do things to inconvenience us. Sometimes they do things they think we would like, but just don't know us well enough. How often do we tell people what we think, and how often do we expect them to guess our thoughts? We tend to forget people are not mindreaders. If we think something, we expect others to be aware of it. It doesn't work that way. It is important to let others know what we think. But we will get farther if we first listen to how others receive information. Then we will know how to approach them and they will be more receptive to what we have to say.

The Agnostic's Prayer

I was reading last week that choosing faith or choosing athiesm was noble and respectible while choosing agnosticism was wishy-washy and unrespectible. In some ways this statement seemed to make sense. With the first two options, at least one chose something definite. If you choose athiesm or faith, at least you know where you stand and can get on with the rest of your life in accordance with your beliefs. But is agnosticism really a cop out? Agnosticism means admitting you don't know about God. You then have the choice of saying you don't care either and proceed with a life of indifference. You can also say you don't know but would like to find out and spend at least part of your life answering the questions you have about God and living according to what you discover. Maybe that is not such a bad alternative.

Where My Gratitude Lies

I didn't write yesterday. I was busy being grateful. Hopefully you have your own gratitude list. Here is mine. I am grateful that my life partner has survived cancer for over a year after her initial diagnosis. I feel able to stop worrying about her now. I am grateful for my own health. I have not taken the best care of my body, but it is working well despite my lack of attendance to its needs at times. I plan to show my gratitude by working to take better care of it in the future. I am grateful for my prosperity. I learned some time ago that prosperity is a matter of attitude rather than one of have money. I am able to look back over the last ten years and see how far I have come with my new attitude. I am grateful that my children have all been able to say goodbye to their grandmother and let her go in peace as I was able to do with my father a few years ago. I have learned that once unfinished business has been buried with someone it is very difficult to dig it up and finally resolve it. I am grateful that I was able to find a free internet broadcast of WQXR, a radio station which brought me joy and peace many years ago when I lived in New York.

Protection from the Truth

I have noticed that we sometimes keep things from people which we know to be true. We do this to protect them at times. We imagine that if it were us, we would not like to hear it. How do we decide whether to tell someone the truth? I remember three criteria which I heard once and which applies to anything we might say. Ask yourself, "Is it true, is it kind and is it purposeful." If what you have to say does not meet all three criteria, keep it to yourself. The hardest part for me is the third. How do I know whether what I have to say serves a purpose for my audience. Sometimes I have to listen first to get a sense of how something might be received. I can go from past experience of how a person reacts. Sometimes I just have to guess.

Tradition and Innovation

When you look at TV ads, you see attempts to find new ways to get people's attention and sell things. When you think about this time of year, you tend to think of family customs. Is innovation or tradition more important? It's probably not a fair question. Tradition gives us a sense of how we connect with our ancestors and our culture. Innovation keeps life interesting. Sometimes I think the challenge is to find a balance between to two and a way to keep our lives in perspective.

In Pursuit of Perfection

I have always been somewhat mystified by people who avidly pursue perfection. Do they really want to be perfect or are they more interested in being perceived as such? I have had many reminders throughout my life that I am not perfect. I have tried to accept them gracefully and go on about my business. The motto of my college was, "Let each become all he (or she) is capable of becoming." Nothing was mentioned about perfection. While I see it as a challenge to improve whatever talents we may find ourselves possessing, perfection is an elusive goal and its pursuit destined to end in frustration. On the other hand, there is an old monastic saying, "It's a great life if you weaken just a little."

Facing Reality

Did you ever come to your senses and realize you were living in a fantasy world? I did this morning. I have been doing some walking and swimming (side stroke) and occasionally thinking about what I eat. Today I went to the gym for a real workout and I found myself huffing and puffing. I was not in the shape I fantasized being in. I found it interesting to find how easy it was to delude myself that I was in good shape and have a lot of work to do to achieve the fitness I would like to have. I wonder what else I need to know about myself.

Dodging the Roadblocks

Sometimes I roll on in life without thinking of the obstacles. I can set goals and work toward them without a second thought. My biggest roadblock is the need for perseverence. The goals I set are often not reachable quickly. They require that I work steadily for a long time and not become discouraged. What is hardest for me is not having clear signs that I am getting any closer to my goal. I notice this particularly in writing. I have learned that finishing a writing project is not necessarily a clear sign of success. Now that I have set my sights on breaking into the publishing industry, it is harder to see if I am getting any closer to my goal. My challenge is to find the perseverence to keep going when there are no mileposts along my way.

The Balance Between Idealism and Commerce

I have been wrestling lately with how to have my writing published.
I originally thought that if I had good ideas, publishing would not be that hard. In my efforts to find an agent and a publisher, I have come to realize that publishing is a business, something I naively ignoried before. Publishing seems to be more about selling books and making money than about disseminating ideas and enriching people's lives. Not that the two are necessarily incompatible, but commerce seems to be the priority for publishing houses. I guess this should not have come as a surprise to me. The challenge I see for myself is how to make my writing challenging to people's thinking as well as being commercially successful without focusing entirely on commerce. This does not seem easy, at least for me, but others have done it and I will try to understand how they have.

Proud of Our Country

It's been a long time since I have felt proud of our country. In the past we have been champions of the downtrodden and come to the aid of a world in crisis. More recently, we have created a crisis or at least worsened it by our withdrawing from the world community on many fronts. In the recent election, we seem to have begun to realize the error of our ways. We have a chance to work together again, hopefully in a thoughtful and constructive way to again make the world a little better place to live. I hope we follow through with the opportunity.

Humility and Accomplishment

There seem to be many people these days who spend most of their time announcing how great they are and very little of it doing anything great. Maybe it is just the end of the campaign season. Hidden in the back pages of the newspaper or sometimes only relayed by word of mouth are the accomplisments of those who go about sharing their talents with others without making a big deal about it. I am impressed by the humility of these people. They don't seem to need recognition and are often uncomfortable when their efforts are noticed. They are content to share what they have with others and do what they can to make others' lives a little better. Thank God for them.

Mortality and Living

I ran across a line in Anne Rivers Siddons' Up Island yesterday. It stated that you can't really live until you come to terms with your mortality. Realizing that we will not live forever gives our lives a context. We do not have forever and what we accomplish in the limited time we have will be our legacy to those who follow. Unless it grabs you by the throat, mortality is easy to ignore. When we feel well, we tend to think we will have all the time in the world. An interesting mental exercise would be to decide what we would do today if it were the last day of our lives.

The Slippery Truth

I was reading an article in the religion section of the newspaper this morning about how the truth is not relative and that it can be found in the words of Jesus as contained in the bible. There is nothing ambiguous about it. Unfortunately people have fought for years about what Jesus meant and how to interpret his words. Others have been just as insistent that Mumammed spoke the only truth. Still others believe their various interpretations of God, none more worthy than the other. Some also think truth lies on another plane, like science. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be one exposition of the truth that we can all agree on and follow together. We are left to follow our own conscience under the guidance of God as we understand Him or Her. Our challenge is to do this in a way which brings us together rather than pitting us against each other.

Ready, Fire, Aim

The title of this blog came from a description of how the brains of people with ADHD work. Actions or words emerge before they have a chance to be considered for their potential consequences. I thought of the efforts of Pope Benedict and John Kerry to backtrack and undo the consequences of what they had said. It seems to me an effort not unlike dealing with the tar baby. The harder you try, the more deeply you get into a mess. It seems there are many people spouting off with little thought to the consequences of their statements. Others speak considering only what they might have to gain without considering the effect on their audience. The answer to this dilemma seems to me to be listening first. If we know what is in the minds of our audience, we will have a better idea of how to approach them in an understanding way and make the point we want to without inviting a firestorm.

Communication for the Rest of Us

After I wrote yesterday's blog about communication difficulties in families beset by mental illness, I realized that they did not have exclusive rights to this problem. The rest of us have many thoughts during the day, only a few of which we share with others. Then we expect them to understand the context of what we are saying as if they were privy to the rest of our thoughts. We expect them to be mindreaders and we become annoyed when they don't know what we are talking about. I think one mistake many of us make is to start talking without knowing the other person's state of mind, receptivity to what we have to say or understanding the context of our thoughts. I remember once a description of our lives as imagining ourselves being the main character in a play while others in our lives have supporting roles. What we forget is that others have the same fantasy and we are seen as supporting characters in their drama.

What Mental Illness Does to a Family

I heard recently of a woman on her deathbed who even after ten
years did not want to see her daughter. Or at least that is what her family decided she wanted or needed. Her daughter had publicly struggled with mental illness for years and had come to terms with it. The woman had her own struggles but kept them locked away. The shame of mental illness has fractured this family so that they were all at odds to know how to relate to each other, much less how to support each other. Many years ago Erving Goffman wrote a book about stigma, a brand people carry reminding them and everyone else what this person should expect, how he or she should act and how everyone else should treat him or her. Isn't it time we look past the stigma and see the person whom it brands? Families might then be able to repair the cracks and fissures caused by mental illness.

Considering the Other Possibilities

I watched a movie recently called "Run, Lola, Run." It replayed the plot several times, leading to different outcomes if one or two things happened in a different way. We sometimes think of our lives as scripted and preordained. However, one step in a different direction could lead to a whole series of experiences we never would have had if we had taken another path. I think we sometimes forget that we have so many choices in life. We can't go back and redo our lives but we always have choices from wherever we stand at the moment.

Dancing on a Dreary Day

The weather has turned cold and blustery lately with rain most days. It could be depressing if I took my cues from the weather. However I have also discovered that I can create my own climate inside myself despite what is going on around me. It also helps to invite someone into my environment to share whatever we can create together.

One Year Post Breast Cancer

One year ago today my life partner was diagnosed with breast cancer. Both of our lives ground to a halt, at least temporarily. We have both discovered that there is life after cancer and that such an ordeal has made us appreciate it more on a daily basis. We have also come to appreciate each other more fully. It is easy to take for granted a person who is there for you day after day. When that person's life is at stake, you have to stop to consider what that person means to you, what it would be without him or her and what you need to do to make each day together the best it can be.

The Joy of Silence

I wrote a little about the monastery yesterday. One thing I remember well is frequent periods of silence when I was able to listen to God and to my own thoughts. There does not appear to be much room for silence in today's world. Radios, TV's, horns, traffic and other assorted noises crowd our awareness. I particularly noticed this in a recent TV car commercial where there was not even space for a pause. Each new claim was overlapped on the previous one, leaving me breathless just listening to it. Have you ever tried creating some silence in your life by turning everything off and being some place where noise does not intrude on your consciousness? It is a good way to find the core of yourself and get in touch with who you are without all the distractions. Try it some time.

The Monastery

Last night I watched the first show of a new series called The Monastery, in this case Benedictine monks who took in five men for the show to help them reassess their lives. It reminded me of the three and a half years I spent in a Passionist Monastery in the 1960's. Although things are different now, some of the basics are the same. These monks appear to be in a stable community. I entered around the time of the Second Vatican Council when the church was itself in a period of self-assessment. The show made me stop to think what I brought with me from my years in the monastery.

Positive and Negative Reactions

What do you do when things don't go the way you would like them to? You can become upset, complaining to anything who will listen about what you don't like. You can also try to understand why things went the way they did. Then you can suggest another way and why you think it makes sense. It's your choice.

Sex and Responsibility

Mr. Foley admitted sending sexually explicit e-mails to a teenage page. However he was alcoholic and was sexually abused himself as a teen. The priest whom he named admitted being nude in a sauna with him and giving him nude massages but did not do anything inappropriate. It seems that it is easy to create excuses for inappropriate behavior blaming someone else or something else about yourself. It has always been amazing to me that two people with very similar experiences can react so differently. One can learn from what he experienced and live a responsible life as a consequence. Another continues to repeat what has happened to him (or her) contunuing to perpetrate the abuse experienced in earlier life. Regardless of escuses, it seems to me that people ultimately are responsible for their actions and must live with the consequences.

Living Simply

It is amazing to me how many things we think we need in order to live properly. There was a time when people lived more simply and were thankful to have the resources to manage each day. If we turn on a television, listen to the radio or read a newspaper we are constantly bombarded with things we can't possibly live without. How much of our time, energy and money are spent pursuing amenities rather than the basics? I remember studying history and reading that most civilizations collapse from within. I took this to mean that they lost sight of their basic purpose for existing in the first place. At one time the United States stood for freedom, respect of individual lives and diversity. I don't want to think that we are heading in the same direction as ancient civilizations, but sometimes I wonder.

Impulsive vs.Compulsive

Sometimes we act on impulse. We do what comes to mind, acting on how we feel at the moment. We give little or no thought to the implications of our actions. Sometimes we pore over the fine points of what we would like to do, trying to make sure every detail is in place. We are so careful that we might not take any action at all. Neither way is much fun in the long run and leaves us unsatisfied. Satisfaction lies somewhere in the middle. Having a creative idea does not mean we must rush to enact it. Nor does it mean we have to analyze it to death. Paying attention to random thoughts passing through our minds helps us see ways of acting we had not previously considered. Giving them a little thought before acting helps insure that we will not regret our actions later.

Problems Don't Have Any Power

This seems unreasonable at first. It seems like problems have the power to stop us in our tracks. It certainly seemed like Columbus had a problem half way across the Atlantic Ocean on his first voyage. Most of the problems we face we create ourselves or let them become problems. Things are the way they are, but are only problems when we let ourselves think of situations that way. What if we thought of a situation as having a series of choices for us to make rather than as a problem? We might find out we are not as stuck as we think and just need to use our options rather than wasting our time being frustrated.

It's Your Choice

We are all surrounded by opinions, actions and situations which can enhance or detract from our lives. We have a choice of what gets our attention. We can dwell on bad news, failures or criticism of others and become more bitter in the process. We can also ignore these, give people the benefit of the doubt and think about what positive motivation people might have for their actions. If we are not sure, we can always find a non-threatening way to ask them what they are about.

Getting Out of the Comfort Zone

In a recent newspaper article, there was an account of Sinnathamby Thevanesan being interviewed about why he would return to his homeland of Sri Lanka to offer his help. He replied, "A comfort zone is not everything. You've got to explore and see what you can do for humanity." I was gratified to see that he could look beyond his own personal comfort and wellbeing as well as his safety to provide something for others. It seems easier to play it safe. But, at the end of the day, what do we have to show for it?

Time to Dance

I was writing a column this morning about dancing at the suggestion of my friend Judy. I didn't realize I had so much to say about it. Have you thought about how dancing or even seeing someone else dance brings your senses to life and helps you think in a different way? I have. Somehow I am on another plane in the presence of dancing. Even though I write quite a bit, I realize there are times when words fail me and I need another channel of communication.

Violence Begets Violence

I have been wondering what accounts for the increase in random violence in our country which has no apparent explanation. I have long thought that violence in our personal lives contributes to violence on a national and international level. Lately I have been wondering whether a gunslinger mentality on the part of our national leadership might be contributing to increased violence on the personal level. What do you think?

Graveyard Pumpkin

On a somewhat more cheerful note than yesterday, not all visits to cemeteries are so somber. In the midst of my thoughts about death yesterday, I happened upon a headstone with a pumpkin next to it. In addition to missing people who have died, we also have good memories of the times with them which carry us through our own difficult days. Perhaps this pumpkin is to remind us the happy memories we carry with us.

The Afternoon Walk

I decided on a fall walk rather than swimming today. I had not walked through the cemetery lately and decided to do so today. I am usually preoccupied with something or other as I walk. Not today. I noticed things as I passed them. I was surprised to see so many headstones of people I had known during the thirty years I have lived in this town. I realized that one day I would be there as well. As I left the cemetery, I was ready to think about something else. However I crunched through falling leaves and remembered their distinctive smell as it reached my nose, reminding me of the end of the growing season. I guess today was my day to think about mortality and appreciate the life I have left.

Mind Reading

I remember my first writng assignments in high school. My teacher told me my writing was too cryptic and that I assumed readers would know what I was thinking. I realized that they didn't and that I had to explain myself in order to be understood. I think we do this in conversation too. We may think about something for quite a while and then tell someone our conclusion. The listener hears the bottom line but does not know how we got to that conclusion. Such communication leaves our statements open to misinterpretation. It would help to remember that we are the only ones in our minds and we might have to provide some background for our thoughts to be understood.

Humility

Thomas Merton wrote, "A humble man can do great things with an uncommon perfection because he is no longer concerned about incidentals, like his own interests and his own reputation, and therfore he no longer needs to waste his efforts in defending them." If he were writing these days, I am sure he would have included women in his quote. When we are busy with our own needs, it is often easy to overlook that there is a whole world which can use our help. We can't change everything but we can give the world community the tiniest nudge in a better direction.

Why Bother Worrying?

Mahatma Gandhi once wrote in a letter, "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything wehatsoever." When you think of it, what can you change by worrying about it? What can you accomplish other than making yourself upset and taking away from the time you could be spending thinking about how to handle the situation?

Caring for Our Children

I talked with a friend this morning who had lost his adult son. I think most of us who are parents tend to worry about our children when they are growing up. When they reach adulthood, we think of them as being able to take care of themselves and don't worry about them so much any more. Loss of a child at any age is dreadful and defies explanation. Even with medical explanations or understanding of other circumstances, it is still difficult to accept the reality that he or she is gone and we remain. Hopefully we can continue to celebrate their lives and concentrate less on our loss as time goes by.

More About Peace With Yourself

I have been thinking more about being at peace with oneself. What is it that is not at peace? For me, it is the conflict between my primal urges, wanting things my way and wanting them immediately with no thought for the future and more reasoned goals in the best interest of me and of all those whom my life affects. Sometimes the two are in harmony, but it is my sense that this is not often the case. Most of the time there is tension between the two. My challenge is to find a way to balance the two so that my urges can be transformed into useful creative energy.

Where Have All the Leaders Gone?

I have been wondering what happened to wise leadership in the US. It seems in the past that wise leaders would emerge when we needed them and help us forge a course in keeping with our common good. We seem to be going in reverse as far as our standing in the world is concerned. We seem to have lost the ability to provide a moral compass not to mention the ability to interact civilly with our world neighbors. I think of "The Ugly American" and our tendency to move in that direction again. I hope we can find another direction.

First Be at Peace with Yourself

I have been writing about being at peace with others in everyday interactions and as nations. It occurred to me this morning that I overlooked being at peace with ourtselves. Peace begins inside. How can we approach others in peace while turmoil stirs within us? There are often at least two sides of us on every issue affecting us. Our job is to give each a fair hearing just as we would in mediating a dispute between two other people. We might well find that both sides want the same thing but just have different ways of going about it. As with others, we need to begin by listening to ourselves.

Being a Citizen of the World

I am still thinking about nonviolence and am reminded of it every day as I read the newspaper headlines about developments in Iraq and elsewhere. At one extreme is the opinion that "terrorists hate freedom." At the other extreme is the opinion that capitalism is responsible for terrorism. Both opinions are oversimplified as extreme positions often are. Our country is being drawn into the terrorist way of looking at things. We see violence in response to violence as a viable alternative. We are becoming angrier at each other as our society becomes more polarized. In this sense, we are becoming more like terrorists ourselves, although it is not a pleasant prospect. Maybe it is time to look at where we are headed and talk with each other about it in a civilized way.

Enemies into Friends

Gandhi talked about the essence of nonviolence as turning enemies into friends. I must admit this remains a mystery to me. Although I think it is a good idea if we can do it, I wonder how we turn terrorists into friends. It seems to me that we are inaccessible to their minds as they are to ours. I do think that any approach to those foreign to us starts with understanding. When we get to the understanding that an enemy is trying to destroy us, it feels like a brick wall to me. Maybe a new type of understanding is necessary.

An Eye for an Eye

I ran across an account of an interview with Arun Gandhi, the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi. He quoted his grandfather as saying, "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." I have often thought of the biblical presription of an eye for an eye. It has always seemed barbaric to me, at least taken literally. When I read the quote I had the fantasy of all of us walking around blindly bumping into everything and each other with little understanding. I would like to know what else Gandhi had to say on the subject.

Standing on the Corner Watching All the Cars Go By

A while ago as I drove by a particular intersection, a man stood on the corner, greeting all cars as they passed by with a wave and a friendly "Hello there." As time went by, I noticed he was there at his post most days greeting everyone as they arrived. I started waving and greeting him as I drove by. I don't know what made him decide to do this. Is he just friendly, lonely or trying to have a little impact on human relationships? Whatever the reason, I have enjoyed seeing him every day. I look forward to it and find it brightens my day just a little.

Toward Civil Discourse

Melvin Sperlock of "Supersize Me" fame talked recently on national news about finding a middle ground between agreeing completely on everything and having an open war about our differences. He sees disagreement and constructive debate and the foundation of democracy while the extremes we often go to in public debate (or private denigration) often end in hatred and wishes to obliterate those with a different opinion from ours. Debate means listening as well as talking and finding areas of agreement and compromise. That is what built our country and can still be our salvation.

What Do You Do for a Living?

This is one of the first questions in a conversation with someone we don't know. We tend to equate our jobs with our lives. It's an easy way to categorize people and gives us a chance to decide what to say next and what might be safe topics of conversation. But our jobs are not our lives. There is much more to all of us than what we do at work. Actually, what we do at work is more a part of someone else's life than it is of ours. Most people don't have a choice of what they do each day and follow a schedule set by someone else. Maybe a better question would be "What is your life about?" or "What are your goals while you are on earth?" I think I will try it the next chance I get and see what happens.

How To Register a Compliment

Stores used to have complaint departments. No more. Now they are called customer service desks. I have often heard the phrase, "I want to register a complaint." Some time ago I found an inexpensive pair of sandals at a large department store which were very comfortable, sturdy and better than others I had previously found for much more money. I went to their customer service department and announced, "I want to register a compliment." The clerk was quite flustered, off balance and without a clue of how to respond. I proceeded to relate my compliment and she still had no idea how to proceed. I recall a note I have seen at some businesses, "If you have a compliment, tell your friends; if you have a complaint, tell us." If more businesses were open to hearing compliments, they would have a better idea how to gear their products and services to customer needs and wishes.

Love, Tension and Hatred

I just finished reading John Cornwell's book, Breaking Faith, about developments in and current status of the Catholic Church. Toward the end of the book he sees the value of tension in an organization (the church, a country, the world.) There is a difference between tension and hatred. Tension, accompanied by respect, and dare I say it-love, is a means toward growth and evolution of culture while hatred leads us to try to destroy each other. No matter who wins, we all lose. The winners become more autocratic and the losers become more disgruntled. How do we stop at tension without progressing to hatred?

Dealing with Violence When It Becomes Personal

We tend to read about violence in all parts of our community, nation and the world and shake our heads, wondering what to make of it. What about when it becomes personal? A friend told me of his recent visit to his log cabin two and a half miles up a mountain from the nearest highway. When he arrived, he found the cabin trashed and some beer cans strewn about. It took him the whole day to clean it up. It left him shaken, with no obvious explanation other than the antics of a drunking group of ne'er do wells. It left him feeling shaken, without recourse and with little ability to prevent such incidents in the future. Although not the end of the world, maybe incidents such as this give us a little insight into what it is like being the object of much greater violence.

Expecting Everything to Make Sense

Last week I bought some soft drinks on sale which qualified for a full rebate. I had to buy four packs to qualify. The store had only two in stock. The clerk helpfully suggested that I pay for two and receive a rain check for the other two, marked as already paid. It sounded sensible. I have been back twice to find that they were still out of stock. I happened to be near another store in the chain and stopped in to see if they had any. I was in luck! The clerk at that store told me they could not honor my rain check since I had already paid the other store. I pointed out that the rain check clearly stated it was good at any store in the chain. After some ado, I left without the soft drinks and was back to square one. I was frustrated in my assumption that everything would work out as I expected it to. Next time I will seek more clarification of the necessary procedures.

What I Saw On My Walk

I have driven down Route 5 many times over the past few years and barely notice the houses that whiz by. Yesterday I walked a mile or so to the car dealer. On my way I found a house with a lonely sign, "We support wind power." It was almost lost in a sea of "No wind turbines" signs in the area. Another house had a pantheon of religious statues, formerly found only in old style Catholic churches. A third had a demure sign, "Grandma and Grandpa's House." You certainly get a different perspective on foot!

The Power of Speech

I ran across this quote from Thomas Mann this morning, "Speech is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradictory word, preserves contact. It is silence that isolates." I used to ignore people if I had no business with them. Now I greet everyone I can and try to make at least fleeting contact. I know it brightens my day when someone says hello when I least expect it.

Challenging our Hatreds

It's easy to hate people we don't know. We can expand one idea, factual or not, which challenges our cherished beliefs and come to see people as our enemy. In fact they may want very much the same things we do. It is only by going beyond our prejudices and getting to know individual people, rather than "them," that we can see that our differences are not quite as large as we may think.

The Ostrich and the Rainbow Boys

I've never seen an ostrich hide its head in the sand, but I certainly have been aware of people doing so figuratively. In this morning's paper, I read about parents complaining about the book, "The Rainbow Boys," about gay teens coming of age. The school district removed the book from their reading list in response. In my mind ignorance is one of the chief factors in prejudice. Does it hurt for teens to learn about their friends' struggles with sexual identity, or their own for that matter? Awareness is a key to understanding. Make your choice.

Marriage, Gays and Commitment

I was talking with a friend yesterday about the concerns some people have about gay marriage undermining the family. We concluded that commitment is more important than what is on paper. Plenty of heterosexual people come and go in marriages without concerns being raised about undermining the family. It seems to me that gay marriage is a public commitment of two people to each other. Now we just need to find a way to strengthen and make lasting the commitment of everyone making marriage vows, gay and straight.

What You Can Control

I have been thinking lately that our level of self respect depends somewhat on the degree to which we feel we are in control of our lives. But I think we tend to take for granted the many things over which we have no control. I woke up early this morning and realized that I did not have the power to make my heart beat even once. I plan to take more time to be thankful to God for the things I take for granted.

The Meaning of Respect

Lately I have been thinking about the relationship between respect and violence. Today I was considering what respect means. To me it means being taken seriously. People who respect you don't think you are stupid, clueless or irrelevant. It doesn't mean everyone agrees with you but they accept your actions as as your way of doing the best you can with your life.

The Limits of Self Control

I was writing about violence yesterday and thinking about what it takes to push each of us beyond our endurance of frustration and whatever else draws us to violence. How is it that some people can endure the horrors of torture and maintain control while others explode at athe smallest provocation? I think it is something we learn by the example of our parents, how others around us react to violence and how secure we are about ourselves. Maybe there are more factors as well.

Why We Get Violent

I have been thinking lately about violence and where it comes from. I had been considering the feeling of impotence as its main cause leading people to lash out in frustration. Last night at a baseball game, I noticed the crowd grow noticibly testy after the umpires made a series of questionable calls. I guess I will have to add a feeling of unfairness to my list of motivations.

Cherishing Friends

Last night I visited a friend who was extremely depressed and had even considered suicide. I tend to take my friendships for granted and always expect my friends to be there for me for support or just good times. It is occasions like this which make me realize just how special my friendships are. There are times friends have nothing to offer and just need me to be there. I am glwd I could be there.

New Beginnings

I am almost over my disappointment of last week's publishing dead end. I discovered that there are no real dead ends. If you go as far as you can along one path, it just means it is time for another path. Starting over can be tiresome and a little scary at times. I have found that once I get my feet moving, it can also be exciting.

Life's Perfect Storms

Two days ago I was bummed out by a publishing deal which fell through. I felt sorry for myself for a while and then stopped to consider what happened. I had different goals and ideas from the publisher. It did not mean anything bad about him or me. We just had different ideas about how to pursue my project. He made some helpful suggestions and yesterday I was off in a new direction with his blessing and support. I again feel righted and back on course. I still don't know quite where my voyage will lead but have a better idea what is important to me.

Dealing with Family Drama

I attended a family reunion yesterday. There were undercurrents of past family conflicts. Some wanted to bypass the old conflicts and go on as if nothing had happened. Some were able to do this, while others had a harder time and still felt hurt. Sometimes a relative might not know what the family issue is or why there are still hurt feelings. Sometimes you have to be very clear, stating your feelings from your point of view without being accusatory. It's not easy. But then, it's not easy to carry the burden of feeling wronged fior years. Every once in a while it will arise to trip you up when you least expect it.

Teach Your Children Well

Last night I was watching a community concert by the Over the Hill Musical Society at Jackson Square in Batavia. In front of me were two families each with two young children. In one family, the children ran wildly, spending their time antagonizing each other, and freequently ending in tears as their parents watched ineffectively. In the family left left early, all in rather poor spirits. The other family had two equally active children. The took turns dancing and laughing with their children, often kissing and hugging them. They left obviously glad to be with each other. What kind of adults do you think these four children will make?

Life With No Respect

Rodney Dangerfield made a career of complaining that he got no respect. Arguments, gang fights and road rage all stem from people's feelings that they are not respected by others. People who don't feel respected sometimes choose to make others fear them instead. I have been wondering what it would take for us to start respecting each other more and whether it might make a difference in how the world operates.

Dancing Cheek to Cheek

I started yesterday reading about bombing, raids and death. I again wondered what the world is coming to. I ended the day watching the band 78RPM playing at Tom Wahl Restaurant in Avon, NY and seeing couples and individuals swaying and swinging to the music despite the intense heat. How do we get people to dance with each other rather than kill each other. I wish I knew. Maybe it starts with getting to know each other and finding more about how we are the same rather than emphasizing the differences.

Old Friends

Yesterday I planned lunch with an old friend I had not seen for years. We ended up spending several hours together catching up on all that had happened in the intervening years. We met as professionals years ago. We got to talking about our adolescences and I realized we had been at the same seminary boarding school in high school for a brief time. Since we last talked, I have published a book largely about this seminary and never knew (or had forgotten) that he had been there. It made me realize that there are people with whom I have connections that I don't even remember. What would our lives be like if we remembered all those threads and took them with us on our journey through life?